Just a Bit of Fun to Start the Week off With

Q: My girlfriend likes sucking on an ice cube from time to time, but last week she nearly choked on one. What can I do if that happens again?

A: Easy. Slap her round the face a couple of times to stop her from waking the neighbours and one for good luck. Then, pour a cup of boiling water down her throat and hey presto the blockage will be almost instantly removed. Then a couple of table spoons of road salt in her tea will prevent ice blockages in the future. Then if she is not tired, oral given by her on you soon after will increase the heat in said area via friction. Make sure you do this AFTER she has stopped jumping about to prevent accidents.

Q: I am such a clumsy butter fingers and my wife cannot be arse to cook dinner after she has come straight in from work. I actually have to get up off the couch and chop the vegetables but am afraid that I may hit my fingers. What can I do?

A: Idle bitch! I feel for you mate. Well the solution is easy. Go to the hardware shop and buy a machete which will cut the veggies in half of the time. Then get the wife to hold said vegetables in one hand whilst in the other she can hold your beer can for you. This will then allow you to drink AND chop much harder and faster without injury to your hands. Remember not to stop whilst your wife is tipping the beer into your mouth as you could pull a muscle in your back. Bonus tip: Use the sweat off the wifes brow to lubricate her hand for the choking of your chicken. That will help to make her feel not so selfish next time.

Q: My girlfriend is always asking me to buy those ribbed condoms; she says it increases her pleasure when we are having sex. But I have to buy them out of my OWN money. Any help or advice would be appreciated.

A: Tsk, tsk! Then don’t! Just slip a handful of frozen peas into an old used condom before sex and then she will not know any different mate. Plus you can still take the money out of her purse when she is asleep – someone has to pay for the damn peas!

Q: The mother-in-law lives with us and is always moaning how bored she is, the wife too. I have tried to get them to come training with me, but they are not interested. All they do is sit in front of the TV. The fish in the tank are more interesting. Any ideas pal?

A: You could try and pour a half bottle of gin into the fish tank and watch them smash their faces into the tank wall in an ever increasing amusing manner. If this does not get the two giggling, show ‘em your nob. It always works for me when I am round your house.

Q: Mick, with your contacts in mind, do you know of any cheap places where I can buy my wife a vibrator to keep her interested whilst I am at the gym?

A: Contacts? Cheeky cunt! However, save your money mate, just fill an empty cigar tube with wasps, shake it up to piss them off and it will make a wonderful cheap and inexpensive vibrator for her until you get home. Then ask for oral, you will have deserved it after a hard workout.

Q: We have a unisex gym and the girls down there are always moaning about us pissing on the toilet seat. How can we stop the constant moaning?

A: Easy, piss in the sink!

Q: Getting up in the morning to go to the gym is hard enough for me, so I get the wife to get up first, make my breakfast, get my cloths ready and off I go. But sometimes I need a “hump” before I go. How can I stop her from falling back to sleep and hitting the snooze button?

A: How can she be so selfish mate? Grrrr! Best thing to do is place a small mouse trap on top of the clock, near the snooze button and as she reaches for it…. well she will get up. BUT mind the trap is not too powerful as you don’t want to break her fingers, she cannot cook or apply hand jobs then can she?

Q: My fiancee’ has a bad cough and is keeping me up at night PLUS when we are having sex, “it” keeps popping out when she coughs. What can I do?

A: Just give her a very LARGE dose of laxative, then she will be afraid to cough!

Take care and God bless

- Mick Hart.
Founder of Mick Hart Training Systems and the No Bull Collection Magazine.

- Layman’s Guides to Steroids I and II

- Layman’s Guides to Steroids III (new)

Tagged as: Bit Of Fun, Blockages, Boiling Water, Bonus Tip, Brow, Butter Fingers, Friction, Frozen Peas, Half Of The Time, Hardware Shop, Having Sex, Machete, Neighbours, Ribbed Condoms, Road Salt, Slap Face, Table Spoons, Tsk Tsk, Veggies, Water Down