The last time you were hot in bed was when there was a heat wave. And the only thing that gets turned on once the lights go out is the alarm clock buzzer. Maybe your spouse pesters you to do the mattress dance more than you want to. You may even oblige, but you don’t really want to and don’t really enjoy it.
Is there something wrong with you? Sex therapists don’t like to play a numbers game when talking about frequency of intercourse and what’s considered normal. They’re more concerned with determining what’s right for a couple to maintain a healthy relationship.
“If you’re in a relationship and you make love one or two times a month or less, that might be considered low,” says Shirley Zussman, Ed.D, a certified sex and marital therapist in New York City and director of the Association for male sexual dysfunction.
“But who’s to say what level of desire is more desirable?” Low libido becomes a problem that should be addressed only when it is perceived as problem, sex therapists say.
“It’s usually only in the framework of a relationship that it becomes an issue,” Dr. Zussman says.
“It’s when there is a discrepancy in desire between the person and the partner, or when people feel there’s something wrong with them because they have a low level of desire.” Everyone experiences peaks and troughs in sexual desire, an ebb and flow in libido that could be caused by any number of factors, from a bad childhood to a bad day to a bad illness, from too much stress to too little time.
Occasionally, a hormonal imbalance or prescription drug will help to sap your sex drive. And, of course, there’s a difference between sexual drive and sexual function. You may be able to become aroused and experience orgasms yet have little or no interest in doing so. (That’s why seeking professional advice from your doctor or a qualified sex therapist is not a bad idea if your problem persists.) If your lowered libido persists and you perceive that you have a problem, what can you do about it?
Symptom relief
Libido is an appetite, and it often can be very difficult to help someone acquire the taste for something – or to acknowledge to themselves that they really do have a craving for something delightful, says Dr. Zussman. “You can present tempting foods like a luscious dessert,” she says, “but that won’t necessarily help someone who doesn’t feel like eating or who denies the pleasure of eating sweets.” Here’s what therapists might suggest to cultivate a sexy sweet tooth and put a lilt in your libido.
Sample from the sexual spice rack – For many couples, sex becomes as exciting as doping the dishes because they do the same thing all the time. Reading a sexual manual and trying new positions or new techniques may add a renewed dash of zest to making love, Dr. Zussman says.
Don’t forget to touch – People with low libidos often are reluctant to express any sort of affection towards their mates, according to Jo Marie Kessler, registered nurse practitioner, certified sex therapist and educator in private practice in San Diego. They may believe their gestures amount to teasing or will spark a debate over making love, but the loss of touch makes their partners feel unwanted and unloved.
“I always encourage them to maintain or resume expressions of affection – a kiss on the cheek or lips, casual touches on the arm or shoulder, a brush of their hair,” she says. “Both partners need to demonstrate that they care, but with understanding that the display of affection is not a signal for sex.”
Read something risqué – You don’t have to don sunglasses and a raincoat and creep into an adult book shop, but you could read some romance novels, love poems or erotic literature to try to nurture or enhance your own sensuality.
Spend an hour in the shower – Don’t treat bath time as just a three minute clean up before you dash out the door to work. “Avail yourself of all the sensual experiences in the shower or bath. Feel the pleasure of the water as it dances on your skin. Lather yourself sensually, perhaps with a loofah sponge rather than a flannel. Use bath salts and slightly scented candles.
Let your fingers do the talking – Take the time and pleasure to know your own body and your partners without any pressure to have intercourse and orgasm, Kessler says. “Focus on the leisurely exploration of each other’s bodies, and share the joy and intimacy of that alone.” Touch each other, feel and caress each other’s genitals, notice the sensations of your two bodies as they move about. Tell each other what feels good.
Don’t hesitate to help yourself – Sexual self-gratification is not dirty or wrong, Kessler says. In fact, a person with low libido can use masturbation to learn what feels good to his or her body, so that sex provides positive feedback instead of negative feedback. Practice first in private, she suggests, where you won’t be self conscious, then broach the topic of mutual masturbation with your partner.
Mind over sexual matters – In conjunction with sexual enhancement techniques, sex therapists also suggest other kinds of strategies to heighten a low libido. “You can deal with the immediate problem of techniques, but that might not help forever or to save a relationship,” Dr. Zussman says.
Here are a few other approaches – Dig yourself out of the dumps- Depression can produce some very physical symptoms and is one of the most common causes of inhibited sexual drive, Dr. Zussman says. “When you’re depressed, you have an interest in practically nothing. Certainly your libido will be decreased too. It just flies out the window.”
Look in your medicine chest – A number of prescription and over the counter drugs, especially certain types of psychiatric and antidepressant medications and some pills to lower high blood pressure, could dampen libido for both men and women, says Richard C. Reznichek, M.D., a certified sex therapist, assistant clinical professor of urology at UCLA and urologist in Torrance, California. Some drugs also interfere with your ability to be aroused. If your using medications that you think are responsible for decreasing your sex drive, stop taking them. Speak with your doctor and ask for alternative drugs.
(Coming Soon Part 2)
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Mick Hart.
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very nice article, mick……i have a very low libido (havent had sex in 7 years), so i found this article very informative and look forward to the next installment……of course you always have great info…keep it up man…..later